“Life is pain, Highness.  Anyone that says differently is selling something.”  I have heard this line about a million times since I was 9 years old and I still don’t always fully believe it.  Another great quote is that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over yet expect different results.  I do that.  Constantly.  I don’t know that it’s always insanity.  Sometimes I think it comes from hope.  Today I managed to stop myself from acting insane.  For now.  I am trying to learn to listen what people tell me; not with their words but with their actions.  That guy that showed no interest last month?  HE’S NOT INTERESTED.  So don’t go chasing him, no matter what you dreamt last night.  I am also working on breaking my bad habits in regard to food.  Today I have kept to my calories.  I have some leeway, too.  This needs to be my focus right now.  Me.  Screw guys and love and dating and whatever.  I am going to work on me and I am going to reach my goals and I am going to be fit and healthy and FIERCE! I am going to lose weight.  I am going to save money.  I am going to learn to ride a motorcycle.  I am going to go zip lining.  I am going to jump out of a motherfucking airplane!  And I am going to document it.  I am going to write.  Not create a story but tell my own.  Today I am inspired.  I met John Scalzi and he talked about the fact that there are always problems, no matter what level you reach.  Every time your career takes a step up, you trade in your problems for new problems.  That is so very true, and not just for a career.  Right now, my weight is a problem.  Solving that problem is not going to make my life perfect.  Losing the weight will just trade this problem for another one.  I know this, I accept this.  I have finally realized that the weight is not the end of me.  I will not be a different person when I am thinner.  I will not automatically make friends or find a boyfriend or even just be happy.  I will still have to work for those things and they will still be hard.  But this problem will be traded in for another one.  That problem is one I am currently looking forward to.  I am so ready to get rid of this weight and all it represents.  I gained the weight as if I were building a wall between myself and other people, especially men.  If people didn’t like me or I couldn’t get a boyfriend, it wasn’t me, it was the fat.  I decided that it was better to be just a fat chick, and disregarded for that, than to be rejected for myself.  Now, I’m so over it.  If I am accepted or rejected, it’s going to be for me.  I am going to become my best self and show it to the world.  I will risk rejection.  It will suck.  It will be hard and painful and I will get hurt.  I will want to give up.  I will have setbacks and drawbacks and various other backs.  There will be bad weeks and maybe even bad months.  Right now I am full of hope and determination and I am trying really hard to understand that this will not always be the case.  I am trying to be realistic.  This is not my strong suit.  Wish me luck.

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