Some dude, I forget exactly who, once said that “a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.” Okay I looked it up. It was Ralph Waldo Emerson. I also think that goes along with the quote from (google pause) okay, Ben Franklin, but also attributed to Albert Einstein frequently, about the definition of insanity being doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. I have been coming across this a lot lately, and today it’s really hitting home. I get so annoyed by this behavior in other people, but then I find myself doing it, too. We all do, obviously. One thing I am really looking at in myself today is how I represent myself to people and how that relates to how they treat me. Logically, I know that if I represent myself as, not stupid, but maybe naïve or somewhat ignorant to a person, of course that person will treat me as a student or child instead of an equal. It’s not fair for me to expect otherwise and get mad when they do. I see this a lot in my family. My younger aunt likes to play the role of a bimbo, weak and weak-minded, she loves to tell people about all of the things she doesn’t know and acts very bubbly. Then she gets frustrated that people don’t think she’s very smart. Well? That’s what you told them! I do the same thing with one friend in particular. I position myself as lacking in knowledge, then get mad when she tries to instruct me. Going to work on this. I’m working on a lot of things right now, but this one is now really bugging me. I can’t keep my behaviors the same and then expect my life to be different. The other place I really need to use this is with my finances. I got paid today and figuring my bills and man is that depressing. I really MUST change my habits as pertains to money! I keep saying this and saying this and then when I make changes and progress, I regress and get myself into the same mess all over again. I don’t want to work two jobs for the rest of my life! I want to have a savings and little to no debt. I want to be able to afford to do things to my house. I want to get a tax refund and not immediately calculate which credit card it should go toward. I am doing the same thing while wanting and needing a different result. This needs to change.
Online dating sucks, truly it does. If you are an average acting person, thin, attractive, it might work for you. If you deviate from the norm at all, good luck. At least with major sites like match or OKCupid. I tried it out a few months ago with no luck. One dude made sexual advances which I turned down at which point he called me Moby Dick. Another I had some conversation with but we didn’t click so when he asked what I thought of him I said I didn’t think we had much in common, so he said I was too big for him anyway. People are AWESOME! My friend recently had an opposite but also frustrating experience. She is pretty and thin and the only messages she has gotten have been you’re beautiful/hot/whatever. For her, this is not great b/c she would prefer for someone to actually read her profile and message her about something other than looks. The only guy that referenced her profile was one that commented on the fact that she reads and then said he hoped she doesn’t read romance novels, which she does, because she should read something “more cerebral”. The world is full of jerks and douchenozzles and they congregate on online dating sites. Why is it that being online makes people ignore the humanity of the people on the other end of their missives? I sincerely doubt that the jackoff who called me Moby Dick would have done so to my face after I rejected his advances in a club. Yet because the interaction took place online, he felt it was okay to say something that horrible.
Then there is the Big Bang Theory Theory (C). Today it is difficult for nerd girls to get any love, unless they are traditionally hot. It used to be that nerd boys would bow down for a girl who knows about Kashyyk and the difference between a Cardassian and a Kardashian. Now, things have changed. Because of that damn TV show, The Big Bang Theory. All nerd guys now think they are going to end up with Penny. They have decided that they would rather have a hot, non-nerdy girlfriend because now they think they can get her. Apparently, they were only wasting their time with nerd girls when they thought they couldn’t do any better. So those of us who actually have something in common with them are buds and they hit on the booth babes. We can’t win.
“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone that says differently is selling something.” I have heard this line about a million times since I was 9 years old and I still don’t always fully believe it. Another great quote is that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over yet expect different results. I do that. Constantly. I don’t know that it’s always insanity. Sometimes I think it comes from hope. Today I managed to stop myself from acting insane. For now. I am trying to learn to listen what people tell me; not with their words but with their actions. That guy that showed no interest last month? HE’S NOT INTERESTED. So don’t go chasing him, no matter what you dreamt last night. I am also working on breaking my bad habits in regard to food. Today I have kept to my calories. I have some leeway, too. This needs to be my focus right now. Me. Screw guys and love and dating and whatever. I am going to work on me and I am going to reach my goals and I am going to be fit and healthy and FIERCE! I am going to lose weight. I am going to save money. I am going to learn to ride a motorcycle. I am going to go zip lining. I am going to jump out of a motherfucking airplane! And I am going to document it. I am going to write. Not create a story but tell my own. Today I am inspired. I met John Scalzi and he talked about the fact that there are always problems, no matter what level you reach. Every time your career takes a step up, you trade in your problems for new problems. That is so very true, and not just for a career. Right now, my weight is a problem. Solving that problem is not going to make my life perfect. Losing the weight will just trade this problem for another one. I know this, I accept this. I have finally realized that the weight is not the end of me. I will not be a different person when I am thinner. I will not automatically make friends or find a boyfriend or even just be happy. I will still have to work for those things and they will still be hard. But this problem will be traded in for another one. That problem is one I am currently looking forward to. I am so ready to get rid of this weight and all it represents. I gained the weight as if I were building a wall between myself and other people, especially men. If people didn’t like me or I couldn’t get a boyfriend, it wasn’t me, it was the fat. I decided that it was better to be just a fat chick, and disregarded for that, than to be rejected for myself. Now, I’m so over it. If I am accepted or rejected, it’s going to be for me. I am going to become my best self and show it to the world. I will risk rejection. It will suck. It will be hard and painful and I will get hurt. I will want to give up. I will have setbacks and drawbacks and various other backs. There will be bad weeks and maybe even bad months. Right now I am full of hope and determination and I am trying really hard to understand that this will not always be the case. I am trying to be realistic. This is not my strong suit. Wish me luck.